A common phrase my Mom used to say to me all the time is “hindsight is 20/20”. As my anniversary approaches, I’ve been thinking about my marriage and our relationship even before we got married. I often wonder why I married this man. We have a child together, so I would do it again, because I absolutely an enamored with our daughter. However, I realize that I don’t like my husband.
So, now I think about all the signs I ignored while we were dating. I think I was excited by someone so different from others I have dated. I fear that I ended up with an asshole of a man just like my father and I was caught up in the relationship and ignored everything wrong that should have been so obvious to me.
The signs.
Doesn’t get along with his mother
When I was young, my Mom told me many things about her relationship with my Dad. She mentioned that right before her wedding to my Dad, his mother asked her why she would want to marry him. Unfortunately, she probably should have heeded that warning because my Dad physically abused my Mom and he was an asshole until she divorced him.
Like deja vu, I met my husband’s Mom a few days before the wedding. I made a king salmon dish for me, Sean, his Mom, his Dad, and my brother. While Sean was getting ready upstairs, his Mom said to me – “its not too late to back out”. I was surprised. I brushed it off as something a terrible Mom says. I should have canceled the wedding and run for the hills. Why didn’t I? It is not like I forgot what my Mom told me. Right after I got married, I thought about what my Grandmother told my Mom and it scared me a bit. At that point it was too late. I was already married.
The way a man treat his mother is a reflection of how he will treat you.
Isn’t this one of the most popular statements told to women. Sean often talked about how is mom is racist and was a terrible Mom. I didn’t meet his Mom until right before our wedding, but I heard him on the phone. He argued with her and called her by her first name. Then one day, he told me she was a “c” word. You know the word I mean. I asked him never to use that word again. His response was “well she is – you don’t know her”.
It was not just his mother, the names he would call his ex-wive was shocking. I was shocked at the time, but just chalked this up to his relationship with these two women. He would never call me names like that. Boy I was wrong. Another sign I just ignored.
His condescending attitude
He is smart and arrogant. I have a Bachelors degree. I work in software. I am not stupid. While dating, he would bring up a math issue with one of his students and then say something like “I should know better than to talk math with you.” I’d ask him what he means by that and remind him that he doesn’t need to insult me when I don’t insult him when he doesn’t know something software related.
He did this occasionally and we talked about how I don’t do that to him.
He put the dogs ahead of me
When we first started dating, I went to his house after work one evening. He had been teaching classes all day. We sat on the couch to watch an MMA fight on TV and I sat next to him. He told me “do you mind moving over, I haven’t been able to sit with my girls [the dogs] all day and they are missing their Daddy”. I was shocked and I thought to myself – I haven’t seen you all day either. However, I didn’t stand up for myself.
On our 3rd date, he said aloud “no girl will ever be more important than you two”. I laughed because I figured he was saying that to act like he doesn’t care and at that time I was convinced that nothing would come of us.
He lies
Growing up, my Dad had this sales person talk where I often felt like he was trying to sell me something. It has helped me as an adult. I can often tell when someone is lying to me and feeding me a bunch of bull.
After 3 months of dating, he said he needed to go back to FL for a few days. I asked him he was going to visit family there and he said yes. When he got back, he had new eyebrows. He only told me because the recovery time was longer than expected.
When he asked me to marry him, I noticed that the ring didn’t look new. It was dull, especially on the band. I had never received an engagement ring before, but I expected shiny. Even someone at work was surprised that the ring didn’t sparkle. It was a 2 carat diamond platinum band. One day, I was sitting next to him at his desktop and I said to him that we need to get wedding bands for each other. He said “your ring has a wedding band that fits with the ring and I’ll just use the ring from my previous marriage as my wedding band”. I then asked him if I’m wearing his ex’s ring. He got upset and immediately said no. He did not want to talk about it anymore. Deep down I knew he was lying. He gave me his ex wife’s ring and didn’t even take the time to clean it. What an ass.
After we got married, he said he was too busy to pack up his house, so I helped. As I was packing his office, I found a contract signed by him and his ex. She sold him the rings and he gave them to me. I confronted him about it. He apologized and said that he spent a lot of time finding the perfect ring. I reminded him that he found the perfect ring for another woman.
He knew how much I wanted a family. His ex had two miscarriages and he basically blamed his ex and mentioned that he had previously gotten a girl pregnant and has a daughter out there somewhere. We got married and I pregnant. Once we got past 16 weeks and our amnio results came back all good, he sat me down and said “I didn’t want to tell you this before, but I had gotten another girl pregnant before my ex and she had a miscarriage too. I was worried there was something wrong with me, but I didn’t want to say anything”. Obviously, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 5 years ago, but I haven’t had a successful pregnancy since then. I have had 2 miscarriages and it has been tough. I want a big family.
I have been unhappy and lonely. Things have just gotten worse from when we were dating. So I’ve been wondering what is wrong with me. Why didn’t I stop this at any of the signs I saw and knew were an issue at the time. Did I lack the self esteem needed to walk away? Was I afraid? He got sick and became nicer and I forgot some of the bad – did I get fooled? I’m not sure but I am disappointed in myself. Now, the question is what I will do now….. Do I have the strength to walk away?
Wishing For A Holiday 