Love of a child

I didn’t know what love was until I gave birth to my daughter. I have always considered myself fortunate in many ways – even with a not so wonderful husband. When I was young, Haley’s comet appeared and I was told it would return in 75 years. I told myself I would need to live till I was 86 to be able to see it. Not an issue, I am invincible – so I thought at 11 years old :-).

Now that I have a daughter, I fear dying. I love her so much and she depends on me so much I just want to live long enough for her to be self sufficient – at least college. When my Mom told me something similar when I was young, I rolled my eyes.

My Mom told my brother and I often – “I pray to God to let me live long enough for you to be able to take care of yourself”. At the time, I rolled my eyes each time and would respond that she should want to live longer than that.

Now I know how she feels. I am not religious, but I think about dying occasionally – especially when my daughter is sleeping soundly or tells me I’m the best or is so attached to me. I think the same thing – please just let me live long enough for my daughter to be able to take care of herself. Don’t get me wrong, I want to live to see her graduate, get a great job, & have kids.

I love her so much it is painful to think that someday I will die and I wonder why did I have kids when there is this kind of pain. Obviously, I would never change having my daughter, but I never knew joy or pain like this. There is nothing more important in my life than my daughter.

My husband would never understand.